girl-ish
By Lena Walsh This time honored question has plagued the great philosophers of the centuries as THE topic for their discussions since the beginning of humankind (and if not, then I’m sure they were thinking about it!). I am a strong follower of the Yes They Can! Camp but I will never leave my sentiments at that because this issue- as all good debates in life should be- is not black and white, but everything in between. I am a red-blooded straight woman who also happens to count many straight males as friends. One in particular does stand out--for the purposes of discussion let’s call him Man X--and this seriously complicates my understanding of men and women as friends. Let me begin with the fact that I love being such great friends with men, Man X in particular. He is fantastic to go to for advice on my romantic endeavors and he makes me laugh with the stream of movie quotes he tries to pass of as his own. He is someone I can talk to about beards and tattoos and about where my life is going. My man-friend variety also happens to like red wine and will even put up with the occasional chick flick. I hit the jackpot. He is great and I love him. Wait. I mean I like him as a friend. Yeah, no- we’re just friends. I think…I’m like mostly sure. He is like a brother to me! Usually…. You get the point. So that’s my endless question: Is he a Brotha or a Luvah? Flashback to my senior year of high school when I (late bloomer that I am) finally realized that boys didn’t have cooties and were actually people I could talk to without breaking out in hives. We made it through the ultimate high school friend test; college apart. Both of us have not had the best luck romantically. My dating roster consists of a handful of not nice guys treating me- shocker- not nicely. I don't know what it's like to have someone I'm seeing actually care about me in a meaningful way. To have Man X in my life who treats me with respect, cares about what I have to say, and remembers my birthday is a wonderful gift. He is who I want to hang out with on weekends and who I text when I’m bored. We’ve been friends through a series of bad dates and small flings. The big relationship issue (and by that I mean dating someone else seriously) that is a stepping stone or stumbling block for any co-ed best friends, hasn’t really come up yet. Neither of us has been with someone serious enough to put pressure on our friendship. To be completely honest with you, I absolutely fear that day arriving. I can’t pretend to believe that when he does meet someone who he wants to commit to, that I will still get to keep on having him in my life in the same way. His new bae won’t to be down with us getting dinner and a movie on a Saturday night then catching a concert and going to a wine bar the next Friday. If I ever meet someone, I better believe he won’t be a fan of me ignoring him to call another dude over my latest family drama. At this moment though, that’s a non-issue because we continue to be single (save for the awkward date or hook-up now and then). For the foreseeable future we get to be this person for each other. I hate dating. It is hard and weird and I'm weird. Luckily, Man X already knows my weird and is there for me in all the non-intimate ways a boyfriend might. I get to reap a lot of the benefits of having a boyfriend without the heartache or confusion of actually dating. I have this great pretend boyfriend so I don't need to (Gasp!) actually be vulnerable with real possibilities. He is my placeholder until I find someone. The thing is though, because I have him to entertain me and go out with on the weekends, I never actually take the time to seriously consider that 'someone' that he's the placeholder for. I don't invest in anyone else because I have him. The thing I struggle with most is if I am okay with being each other’s placeholders. Will I be okay when the day comes and things will change - OR- is he actually the person I have been holding a place for? I couldn’t tell you what his thoughts on this issue are. The majority of the time I am consistent in my understanding that he is just my friend. We make jokes that we are one another’s constant cock-block (for lack of a better term) and that we should wear a sign when we go out that reads “Not Together”. I even talk about being his wing-woman. The confusion really only arises when I find myself having to actively NOT grab his hand in the car or give him a peck when I see him. Those gestures- that which are absolutely normal to a steady couple- sometimes feel like they would be the most natural thing in the world. Do I want to hold his hand and be with him in that way? Every once in a while I have no clue and it freaks me out. I don’t know if there is something more or I am just too comfortable in his role as my placeholder that I actually confuse it with the real thing. The thing that scares me the most are that one of the following situations is destined to happen: 1) 0ne day we will try a go at something but then he or I will realize that we were really just overly comfortable as friends and now our friendship is forever ruined 2) That I will make a move and he’ll say, “Gross, no thanks” and then we will forever be changed 3) I’ll never say anything because there is nothing to say but he will fall in love with a Victoria Secret model and our friendship won’t ever be the same again. My over-analysis of all things, for which usually drives me up a wall, has provided some clarity this time. The common denominator in all situations that cause me fear: Change. Regardless of my feelings, I know that the course of our friendship is bound to change either from time and new relationships or if we try and fail (or succeed). Life changes. Change is wired into us and whether I am ready for it or not, it’s going to happen. I stand by my belief that men and women can be friends but friendships, whether between two women or a man and a women, are all flawed and will alter with time. I cannot fear that. If I truly feel Man X is someone I want to be with, I need to own up to that. If, after the very scary vulnerable look into myself, that’s not the case, then I need to be aware of the ways in which I use Man X as my romantic crutch and placeholder. Living the Placeholder life is safe. It’s warm and comfortable like a ham sandwich on a Tuesday. Right now, I would much rather be Gazpacho in a cabana on a Friday night (*that may be a bad analogy but hopefully you get my point). I refuse to sit static living a chanceless existence. I cannot let this friendship get in the way of my actually living whether that’s crossing into the unknown territory of asking him to date me, finding someone new to date, or dating myself for a while. As one of the great scholars of our time, Ms. Frizzle, once said, “Take Chances, Make Mistakes, and Get Messy!” Read more about this crazy little thing called love:
Love At A Distance Baggage Claim The Gift of Singleness
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